Failure

     I never cease to be amazed at how we can be patient and kind with people outside our family, but can be so quick tempered with the ones we love. Yes, I struggle with this. A lot. Especially during those frustrating times in life. Just like a teapot, things start boiling inside and you can't let that steam off at strangers or customers. Instead, your family gets scalded. Why do we do this?! Why can I not stop doing this?! Oh, right. It's become a habit. That's why. Argh!

     So between my biting off loved ones' heads, lackluster prayer life, nearly non-existent personal Bible study, and my usual selfishly-caught-up-in-my-own-problems problem, I feel like a failure. Failing my God. Failing my family. Failing my friends. "How did I get to this point?" I ask myself. Oh, right. See above. And I realize that we all travel valleys and mountains in our walk with God. And that that's okay. Whatever unbalanced person that got it started that a Christian has to be on a spiritual high with God all the time or there's something wrong with you, has something seriously wrong with them. So, I guess right now I'm lost in the woods. Wait. A better description would be a boat adrift. I can see the shore. I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm floundering.
  
     There's the root of my feelings of failure. (light bulb moment!) I know what needs to be done in this relationship with my Savior, but I've not been putting forth the effort. There He sits, waiting patiently for me. But I'm too busy. You know what's crazy? I'm too busy for the things that will soothe away the stresses of my day. How dumb is that?! Confession #2 - I'm a dumb human. In times like this I just want to run away to a quiet monastery for three months and soak up the tranquility. To take quiet walks, write, and say my prayers while stargazing. But this is not possible. Okay, it would be possible if I quit my job and and hitch-hiked to some uber awesome monastery in England. Which, yeah, would go over like a lead balloon with some important people named Dad and Mom.

     So, I'll have to create some sort of monastery for myself. Carve out some quiet time each day. Live more purposefully. Be more gentle at home. Remember that He is my strength and peace.

Note: Sorry if this didn't flow well! I haven't written for a long time but knew I needed to get it going again. So here it is in all it's messy glory!

{march forth}

Today is the 4th of March. Or with a little play on of words it is March Forth! Just a little reminder early in the year to go forth and live out the year well. Get out there and do something. Or just remember to cherish each day. Even if nothing exciting happened, you were granted another day on this planet to enjoy the beauty around you and to savor simple pleasures. On that thought, in our Sunday School at church we are studying Ecclesiastes. Last Sunday we were in ch. 6 and dwelled on vs. 3. Here is a man that lived long, had a hundred children but did not take pleasure in the good things. Though he had family he wasn't properly buried. I felt as though I had a pretty good grasp on it but yesterday a song on the radio shed new light on the matter. It was Toby Mac's "Lose My Soul" and it suddenly dawned on me, the man in Eccl. 6:3 had gained the world but lost his soul. He was so consumed with the material things in this world that he missed the big picture. Who cares how much money you have, where you live or what you drive. If you are not awed by mountains, oceans and sunrises, if you do not take pleasure in going barefoot in summer or being kissed by a gentle breeze, if you are not happy with a good book, a cup of tea and the company of a dear friend, you have nothing. Don't let life pass by you because you are striving for the temporary things of this world.

"If a man begets a hundred children and lives many years, so that the days of his years are many, but his soul is not satisfied with goodness, or indeed he has no burial, I say that a stillborn child is better than he." - Ecclesiastes 6:3

I ran across this quote from Emily Dickinson the other day and want to share it with you -
"You ask of my companions. Hills, sir, and the sundown and a dog as large as myself."
Sounds pretty good to me, too!

{to the ends of the world}

Happy Valentine's Day or SAD (Singles Awareness Day) to you, whichever side of the fence you're on. So of course I've been thinking about love recently. And watching Jane Austen movies and romantic comedies, then again I think Pride & Prejudice was the original romantic comedy. But that's a whole other topic. So...what is true love. That term is thrown around without care in my opinion. Most people do not understand what love is, let alone true love. Okay, I know that's harsh, but with today's rampant divorce rate and broken hearts I think I can safely make that assumption. I'm going to start with an example from pop culture. My family likes to watch "Smallville" and the last episode showed a complete upset to the whole Clark & Lana relationship. In a few short words - they can never be together, now that Lana has absorbed a substantial amount of Kryptonite. Then I got to thinking, if what they had was true love why don't they just deal with the fact they will not be able to hug and kiss and instead focus on enjoying each other's company, albeit from across the room. Have we been so conditioned that love is physical contact, not mutual joy in being together? And I realize that the physical is part of married relationships, but that is not the main portion. The other 80% (just throwing out a number) is friendship and companionship. Just the happiness of the being in the same room as your beloved, sharing thoughts and ideas. Am I totally off base? To me true love is being able to follow a man to the ends of the world because you esteem, respect, honor, cherish and love him. Not because he's a great kisser. I acknowledge that I don't fully understand this yet, but what I do know and understand is that Hollywood has deceived us. We no longer understand what true love is, because we have been taught through entertainment that unless it feels good, it isn't love. Forget the real reasons we choose to love people when things get difficult. Now for another example from pop culture. I recently was able to see "Enchanted" and was stunned by the scene in which the couple, who was going through a nasty divorce, was brought to their senses by Amy Adams' character. They called off the divorce saying that they realized you don't give up because of a few hardships. You don't give up the good things because a couple of bad things. I cheered, almost in unbelief, at this championing of love.

We are taught in the Scriptures what true love is. From the first example of God creating a help meet for Adam to the verses in the New Testament telling us that love is patient, love is kind, etc. There's nothing there about the other person being a good kisser or you have fun on dates. Those are not reasons for marrying and if that is to be the foundation of your marriage than you will not be happy. I have been blessed with real life examples of happy, godly marriages. My parents and friends' parents have demonstrated what it is like when you marry the right person for the right reasons. Enough rambling...I pray that everyone that reads this feels the pure love from the only person that can bestow it - God the Creator. He created everything. Us, our feelings and the person that we can't live without here while we remain on this planet.

{ring in the new}

I had every intention of posting about once a week during December. *laughs* What was I thinking?! Fat chance of that happening during the holiday season, especially since I wasn't in the habit before. I can imagine my last post left you all wondering if I had gone off my rocker. Well I still haven't completely decided on the matter. Plus it was a rather bad time of year to bring it up. Best to talk of such things in the middle of summer when you're removed from the emotion of the season. Anyway...onto something pleasant and happy.

I have discovered a new song through who I think is one of the funniest people on the planet, Daniel Gardner. It's called "Sunray Smile" and was written and recorded by a fellow HomeschoolAlumni member, Amber Van Vleet. It's on the blog music player, make your ears happy and listen to it!

The only pictures I have to share are from last month's snow and other winter weather...

And now I am tickled pink for two reasons - 1) I got the link in a word thing to work (yay!), and 2) I drove all by myself today! Now I know what you're thinking, "She's 22 and hasn't driven alone yet?!" Well for starters I didn't get my license until I was 21 (long story), and secondly I don't have anywhere to go by myself. Yeah, my social life is one rung higher than that of a monk, but that's okay. I'm a homebody as it is anyway.

Have a great weekend everyone!

{questions}

As I type there is snow falling outside the window. And I am listening to a lovely rendition of "In the Bleak Midwinter" performed by Corrinne May. Check it out - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZC9C5kHL884 What a wonderful day to stay in and knit or craft! Or blog...

With Christmas approaching a friend and I are having a discussion on whether Christians should celebrate the holiday. The pagan roots of Christmas are well documented and so is the fact that Christ was not born on December 25. So, what do you do? Do you continue to participate in the festivities since it is now considered a Christian holiday or do you choose to refrain from because it really isn't a Christian holiday no matter how you try to reason away. We know from the OT how much God warned the Israelites to not practice any heathen rituals and I believe that the warning still holds true for modern Christians. In that light, Christmas should not have any place in a Christian home. That's right, no tree, decorations, presents or anything. This doesn't mean that you have to alienate yourself from family and friends that do keep Christmas as my friend assured me. On the other hand, if you hold to the reasoning that it is no longer a pagan holy day, though there are neo-pagans that do practice Saturnalia, then there is no problem. But what I wonder at most is for Christians that do realize the pagan root of Christmas why do we still celebrate it? Isn't that when it becomes a sin, when we know it's wrong but still do it anyway? Why not as a whole body decide to move our celebration of Christ's birth to the actual time of His birth? Now granted, it would not fall on the same day each year because the Hebrew calender is based on the lunar cycle, unlike our Gregorian calender which is based on the solar. Or even is it neccesary to celebrate Jesus' birth? We are not commanded to do so from the Scriptures, indeed the early church did not celebrate His birth. Nor even in early America was it lawful to celebrate Christmas.

Personally, I was raised with Christ as the center of the season. Never had Santa Claus. In fact, when I was a dinky do I told my grandma that Santa was a pagan. *laughs* She was shocked, needless to say. Instead, by using an Advent calender, I sat on her lap and read out the story of my Lord's birth. My family a few years ago stopped celebrating Christmas as Christ's birthday so we've already come halfway. Now we just enjoy the season of giving and as a European cultural holiday. Now as an adult I'm questioning the whole Christmas thing on all levels. Theologically, culturally, personally. What to do, what to think...

{remembrance}

Just one more week until my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. A time to remember and reflect upon our rich history. I know that the leaves have fallen and the trees are bare, but there is an air of promise and hope. Maybe it's just the invigorating north wind blowing in my face. And yet, one cannot but think of how Fall is a picture of life. There are times when the joy is mingled with the sadness. When we realize that death and birth are necessary to each other, we become reconciled to the sadness and are able to embrace the joy. If the leaves did not fall, we wouldn't have flowers later. Then the flowers fade so the verdant foliage may break forth. It is the ultimate reminder that God's ways are perfect. Everything in due season. Everything in its time. I can see this in my own life. I do not like to be rushed. If I have a deadline, I'll take care of it, but don't push me. Socially, I was a late bloomer. I was a severe wallflower until a couple of years ago and used to be embarrassed about it but now I feel that it was for the best. I am still no social butterfly but I am at ease in society now. Enough about me...see, this is what happens when you are an only child.


I have added some Fall-ish/Thanksgivingy themed music to my player. I had the hardest time finding a Doxology that I liked. The one on the player wouldn't have been my first choice, but I really wanted to include Doxology and you could say this track grew on me. My best friends' family sometimes sings Doxology instead of saying a prayer before meals and they sound fabulous, so I think that is why I had a hard time finding one that sounded "right." I was hoping for an a capella version. I once saw someone call a capella cold and boring. They have obviously never heard what I hear every Sunday morning. My family goes to a church that sings without instruments. Oh the boxes we live in...

Now to tell you the story behind the pictures. Early in October I went out one morning to get some sunrise shots. I love doing this, except when I forget an empty dog food sack and come back in with a wet rear and knees. So I was walking along when I saw this spider web right in my path. The dew just sparkled on the fine filaments. God is awesome!

After I took several pictures of this wonder I turned aside so that I didn't disturb Mr. Spider thinking to myself what other marvels I would see that morning when lo and behold I caught sight of this...

A dragonfly with the dew still on its wings! Now that's something you don't see everyday. I stand amazed at the ingenuity of the Creator. These next two I took one evening a day later. I love Fall!

Whew, that was long winded. Sorry dear reader. I shouldn't ramble on so. But sometimes I just can't help myself...

{mini reunion or bust}

Last weekend my family traveled to Kansas City to go to the Homeschool Alumni Midwest Mini Reunion. I've been a member of HSA for a couple of years now and haven't been able to make it to one of the national reunions. So when I saw the MO mini reunion posted on the event board I was thrilled. And then ecstatic when I told my dear father about it and he said "we're going" before I even had a chance to ask. Late Friday morning we set off for our destination. About mid afternoon we reached the Cabela's store in KC and decided to stop and stretch our legs, again. I always enjoy going into Cabela's and looking around. While we were there we bumped into some other homeschoolers but they were not HSAers. Being homeschooled turns on some radar that allows you to pick up on other homeschoolers. No kidding. Anyway, then it was off to the campground to set up the tent before heading to HQ a.k.a. one of the other HSAers house that was hosting the event. We were the last ones in because of how long it took to just pick out a campsite. *sighs* But supper was cooking and the house was warm and inviting which was welcome relief after putting up a tent in the cooling temps of a Fall afternoon. After supper there was a Boggle tournament and other games plus lots of talking and laughter. I had a hard time staying awake and at one point had dozed off for a couple of seconds. But then a couple of friends shook the couch to make sure I would stay awake. Thanks guys. Needless to say I am not a night owl. I'm not exactly sure when we girls crawled into our sleeping bags (my parents had already left for the campground) but it was about 1 in the morning. Whew! Saturday was packed with activities. In the morning we went on a 3.8 mile hike around the lake at the local state park.

"The road goes ever on and on..."

Someone in our group decided to take a little detour and we thought he would catch back up before long so we didn't wait. Back at the parking lot and eating our picnic lunch he still hadn't shown up. So then we were worried. Just as we were planning a rescue mission he walked up. No Chris, we're not going to let you live this one down. Then it was off to the WWI museum in Kansas City.

Here's our reflection on the glass walk over the field of poppies and you can see the tower, too.

Very interesting and informative. Lots of artifacts, most of them original, to view. After that we dashed back to HQ to throw some grub down the hatch and change before the dance. It was my very first ECD and I loved it.

Here we are before the dance. Aren't mirrors handy for taking pictures!

Sorry to those whose toes I stepped on. We laughed 'til it hurt, which wasn't very hard. We danced The Hole in the Wall, the Gay Gordon, the Virginia Reel and another one I'm not sure of it's name.

The white blur dancing with the blue blur is yours truly.

Note to self: use shutter mode at next dance.

But now I'm hooked and don't know how long I can make it without another dance! When the dance ended it was back to HQ for dessert, more games, laughter and talking. We also had a few surprise visitors. Missionaries from Siam to be precise. There's something wrong with the leg on the last missionary. *laughs* Saturday night we stayed up until 2! I was able to remain awake a lot easier though. Sunday morning we had a time of scripture reading and prayer. Then my family left right before lunch and headed home. I wish it could have gone on forever. But life called and said it was time to get back to work. Bummer. Now I'm already thinking about next year...

Thanks to all my homeschool family for the wonderful memories made this weekend. We won't easily forget them.

{transition}

Fall is in the air. The trees are beginning to change color, the birds are gathering and the pumpkins are setting on. Whoopee! I love Fall! This has definitely been a month of transition. Not just the seasons, but life itself. My birthday was earlier this month and I feel more like an adult than I ever have before. I don't know what it is about 22 because 21 didn't quite have this vibe. Maybe it's that I've been really considering what am I going to do. Looking at how I want my future to be and making the decisions now that will set me on that road. More transitions have been finishing the painting and putting in the flooring in my room. That allowed me to set up my bookcase and finally get my books out of their boxes. The poor things have been in the dark for four years. It was wonderful seeing my trusty companions once again. Except for the fact that with the books I've accumulated over the last few years, all my books did not fit on the shelves. Ahh! There was only one thing to do...eliminate. After that comes the creative stacking. Over the weekend I did some decorating on the shelves. Here are a few pics of some of the results.

This is on top. The white rose pitcher was found at a thrift store and I absolutely love it!

This is on a lower shelf. As you can see I haven't decided on a picture to put in the frame.

One of the upper shelves, not quite finished with this arrangement, but I like how the colors and textures mix. I really like the square frame, it's magnetic! Found it and the frame in the above pic on clearance at Target the other day. Can't find the picture I want to put in this frame. Argh. And in the frame on the right is my fantastic parents.

Have a great day!

Home

Over the weekend my family and some friends went to see Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. I won't bore you with my laundry list of complaints. Suffice it to say I think they could've done a lot better. For me they lost the magic of Narnia that they captured in Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. Anyway, one of the things I could definately relate to in the film is the longing for home. It isn't that England wasn't home for Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy, but not like Narnia was. Three years ago my family went through an extremely trying time where we didn't have our own place to call home. During that time we were living with my grandparents until we could find another place. A word to the wise - don't sell your home until you have money down on another one. My dad had been laid off and my mom, who had quit her job a few years earlier to homeschool me was the first one to win the job hunt race. So basically we, as a family, were between a rock and a hard place. No home, nowhere to go and regret. It's a wonder we didn't go insane. And the most intense longing for a place to call home again. It was also a reminder to me that this world is not my home. I'm just here for a time in this body of flesh. C.S. Lewis once said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." So true. Home is one of the basic comforts of life and when that is gone, you struggle to survive. You cling to the hope that one day everything will work out and until then you cling to the thought of Heaven. I'm sure you've already noticed that I've added a couple of new songs to the player. They are both from the Prince Caspian soundtrack and I cried when I first heard them. It didn't help that I was reminiscing about when my Daddy and I were reading through the Narnia series outloud and we cried through the last two or three chapters of "The Last Battle." If you get a chance read the story behind Switchfoot's "This Is Home." Really neat. Well I have held you captive long enough. For those of you wondering, yes my family found a place to live, but no, I'm not Home yet.