Failure

     I never cease to be amazed at how we can be patient and kind with people outside our family, but can be so quick tempered with the ones we love. Yes, I struggle with this. A lot. Especially during those frustrating times in life. Just like a teapot, things start boiling inside and you can't let that steam off at strangers or customers. Instead, your family gets scalded. Why do we do this?! Why can I not stop doing this?! Oh, right. It's become a habit. That's why. Argh!

     So between my biting off loved ones' heads, lackluster prayer life, nearly non-existent personal Bible study, and my usual selfishly-caught-up-in-my-own-problems problem, I feel like a failure. Failing my God. Failing my family. Failing my friends. "How did I get to this point?" I ask myself. Oh, right. See above. And I realize that we all travel valleys and mountains in our walk with God. And that that's okay. Whatever unbalanced person that got it started that a Christian has to be on a spiritual high with God all the time or there's something wrong with you, has something seriously wrong with them. So, I guess right now I'm lost in the woods. Wait. A better description would be a boat adrift. I can see the shore. I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm floundering.
  
     There's the root of my feelings of failure. (light bulb moment!) I know what needs to be done in this relationship with my Savior, but I've not been putting forth the effort. There He sits, waiting patiently for me. But I'm too busy. You know what's crazy? I'm too busy for the things that will soothe away the stresses of my day. How dumb is that?! Confession #2 - I'm a dumb human. In times like this I just want to run away to a quiet monastery for three months and soak up the tranquility. To take quiet walks, write, and say my prayers while stargazing. But this is not possible. Okay, it would be possible if I quit my job and and hitch-hiked to some uber awesome monastery in England. Which, yeah, would go over like a lead balloon with some important people named Dad and Mom.

     So, I'll have to create some sort of monastery for myself. Carve out some quiet time each day. Live more purposefully. Be more gentle at home. Remember that He is my strength and peace.

Note: Sorry if this didn't flow well! I haven't written for a long time but knew I needed to get it going again. So here it is in all it's messy glory!

{too, too long...}

Yes, it has been too long. But I shall not dwell on that and bore you to tears. You're welcome. So, the other day I was thinking, imagine that, and I realized I don't have to write long blog posts. I can write short ones. What's going on in my world, ponderous thoughts, the creative highs and lows of life, the spiritual highs and lows. In other words, a person doesn't have to write a whole article for it to be cerebral. With that in mind I have a recent personal spiritual lesson.

Last month I painted my grandmother's kitchen and dining room. Goodbye brown, hello sage green! Once I was finished with that she had a border she wanted me to put up. I have a preference for as few seams as possible when it comes to wallpaper so I thought I'd put up the full 15' length of the border. By myself. After I had fought with this long, long strip of wet paper and got it folded over to book I was still feeling fairly confident. Booking time done I climbed up the step ladder and began the ordeal. Do you know how quickly things can go south when you are overly confident and under prepared? Fast. It wasn't long and that border was obviously not going to do what it was made to do: stick. So, before a bad situation turned worse I laid out the border on the floor to dry. I could at least salvage it later. I then turned my heart to God and prayed, "Okay, yes, I get the message. I got in over my head because of course I *knew* what I was doing. Help me through the rest of this because I'm going to need it. You are strong when I am weak and 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' " God had baked up a nice humble pie and had a thick slice steaming and ready for me. A person doesn't like to think of themselves as proud, but guess what, even if we are not in general a prideful individual there are areas of our life or skills that we think we're pretty good at. And we sure might be. But how noxious of a weed is pride? How soon before it invades other aspects of our life? After that experience I was glad God baked humble pie that day. It was tasty! But I think anytime our Heavenly Father frees us from some sin or burden there is that sweet taste of freedom. "Good and upright is the Lord; Therefore He instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in justice, and He teaches the humble His way. All the paths of the Lord are lovingkindness and truth to those who keep His covenant and His testimonies." - Psalm 25:8-10 By the way, the wallpapering became much easier when I took it in manageable wall sized chunks and better preparation. Lesson of the day - humility is a beautiful thing.

HSA National Reunion {day 4}

Finally! I am getting this posted! I like to think of it this way - I haven't procrastinated, I've extended my enjoyment of the reunion.

Well we woke up Sunday morning knowing it was the last day of the reunion. Horrible feeling really knowing that everything wonderful about the reunion was soon to be no more. But we crawled out of our beds and got ready and headed off to the mess hall for breakfast. Then we went back to our dorms to pack up. I helped load up the van. All that experience helping Daddy load up the camping gear payed off. Especially now that we had more luggage to pack in because a couple more girls were joining us for the trip home. After that we had our last Hymn Sing.

Then we trekked down to the Bear Claw one last time for the closing ceremony. *frowns* I didn't want it to end. It was a strange feeling, part of me wanted this to go on and part of me was ready to go home. But we still had a little time left together and that was solace enough. Next we ate lunch. One last meal of some of the best campfood in the world with some of my favorite people in the world. After that we milled about saying our goodbyes and taking pictures with our friends.

people saying their goodbyes in front of the dining hall

Before we knew it it was time to leave. We piled into the van and set off, on our way to Garden of the Gods where quite a few of the reunion goers were going to spend a little extra time. It was supposed to take us about 30 minutes to get there, but due to construction and the effect on traffic it took us about an hour and a half. Creeping and crawling our way along we were able to carry on a couple of conversations with other HSAers in their cars next to us. One of the girls even took a nap in the back seat. And much to my astonishment, I learned that the Paul sisters knew the Willie Nelson song "On the Road Again." Just as a joke I sung the only lyrics I knew, "On the road again...." and they took off and sang the whole song! *laughs* I wish I had a picture of the shocked expression on my face.

We finally arrived at Garden of the Gods and were glad to get out and stretch our legs. Wow! What a view! We were not able to explore much of the park due to time constraints, but that is a place I would like to see again. It was absolutely incredible to see these huge red rocks. So much to see, all the varied shapes and textures of the rocks, it was a gorgeous scene.

yours truly at Garden of the Gods

Let the homeschool invasion begin! We set off as a group on one of the trails and stopped part way into the park to explore and wander about in one of the rock groupings. We stayed there for a while actually, and our carpool group didn't go in any further because we had to leave. *sighs* Stupid clock and schedule.

a few of the carpool girls and other friends

more people, including some of the Naylors and Noel in that adorable red hat

Pretty soon the van and Justin's cranky car were back on the road. Back to Kansas and Iowa and Arkansas and Missouri. We got in really late to Erin and Amber's and snuck downstairs to the basement. Oh wow, did sleep feel good that night. Thanks to a dark basement we were able to sleep in the next day. Got up and dragged ourselves upstairs for breakfast. The girls had made scones! Yum! We called Justin to see how he was doing. His car refused to start after we got a bite to eat before we made it out of Colorado. He was fine and getting the car worked on that morning. I called my parents to let them know they could start driving up to get me.

Last time in the carpool van as we made our way to Salina where they would drop me off. Said our last goodbyes and we went our seperate ways. We didn't get very far before I realized I had left my expo box and Keen shoes in the van. Too late! Oh well, I knew who had them and could get them back in little while. Home bound now and it felt good.

I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend with my homeschool family! All the wonderful memories, blessings, and fellowship I will cherish for the rest of my life. And it is my firm belief that roadtrips are the best!

Now, as promised, here are the links to the videos from the reunion.

If A Bear Is Running At You Clap Your Hands - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5p5DfnyhmRk

And the dance off - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLak10jw82Q

Enjoy! And you have my permission to roll on the floor laughing.

HSA National Reunion :day 3:

Hello, dear readers! Good news for you, since the reunion is a few months behind me, I no longer remember every little detail. But that's okay because I want to finish this and move on, so here we go...

Woke up Saturday to another gorgeous Colorado morning. Got ready and called home. Then ate breakfast. I'm liking this short version a lot better, how about you? :o) Had another Hymn Sing. The morning session was Eric & Leslie Ludy, who brought us a message about living your life, a sold out life, for Christ. It was awesome! Eric and Leslie touched our hearts and urged us onto higher spiritual plains. I'll never forget Eric's version of David fighting Goliath. I think there's a video of it on youtube, if you can find it watch it! Or I'll find it in a few days and post the link here.

the lovely ladies

After the message from Eric and Leslie, Jill asked a few of us ladies if we would like to go on a walk with her. So, we did and here are the pictures of the scenery and some of the girls. First pic is of the mountains in the distance. Second pic is most of my walking companions and the next pic was taken on our way back.

isn't Colorado stunning?!

Next thing we knew it was time for lunch and I'm sure it was yummy even though I don't remember what we had. lol! Besides, I was too hungry to care. After that I went to get ready for the second, and final, day of the Entrepreneur Expo. Which was less busy due to the Swing dance and a couple of "breakout" sessions. Oh well, it gave us a breather.

Afternoon session was the Roundtable Discussion. Interesting as always. Stick a bunch of homeschoolers in a room together and ask them what their opinion is on various topics and you're sure to get some new perspective to ruminate over.

Time to eat again! Our last supper at the reunion. After supper we took the group picture. Then we meandered over to the Bear Claw for the HSAIR Talent Show. One of my friends decided to mix things up a bit by declaring he would wear a kilt to the next reunion ECD and asked who would join him. *laughs* You can imagine the mixture of responses! One guy said he would, he already had a kilt and was looking for an excuse to wear it. Several guys gave flat out refusals. Girls, too, were a mixed bag. Some thought it would be cool, some thought it would be horrible. Anywhoo...the talent show was great, but the highlight of the evening came from somthing other than what was actually part of the talent show. So, the previous couple of days people had been nominated for several yearbook type questions with decidedly homeschool twists. To cut to the chase, one of them was, "Most likely to make people wonder why 'socialization' was ever a concern with homeschoolers." And the vote was Riley Spiller with 25% and Doug Plagemann right behind him with 24%. Well, Camden got the brilliant idea to have a dance off between Doug and Riley. And they did. We were in stitches it was so hilarious! I'll post the video link for this too.

Moving on, after the talent show a lot us stayed at the Bear Claw to hang out and listen to more awesome jazz music and sign more autograph books. I tumbled into bed just before midnight. About the same time, the chocolate party in our dorm was getting started. I thought about joining them for just a little bit, 15 or 30 minutes, but then told myself "yeah right, once you get in you're not going to want to leave." Wise choice. Not long after I turned in I heard singing drift up from the lobby. First it was "Sisters" by Irving Berlin, then it was "White Christmas", and then a hymn and I finally started to doze. I learned the next morning that the girls had stayed up until 3am singing! Since it was the last night of the reunion they decided to go all out. Whew! And it was just my luck that I missed their singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Who wants that stuck in their head as they try to sleep!?

Well, this is all for now. The next post will be the final day of the reunion and our trip to Garden of the Gods. Stay tuned...

home and away

Okay, so I know I should be writing up the third installment of my HSA reunion experience, but I don't have the pics on my laptop. That's right...laptop. So, instead I will gleefully post this short update on my life from my laptop since I finally got the internet on it at home. Unfortunately it isn't wireless, but I'm not complaining.

Over the weekend we had our third ECD this year. It was great fun, as usual. But, the lack of guys made us girls positively irked. I swear, I am determined to wear a button down shirt and tie to the next dance. Then it will be less confusing for the other girls dancing, including myself. *laughs* Next dance the girls will have their revenge! Mwahahah!

The weekend before that I went down to Oklahoma with a couple of friends to go to the 3rd Annual Naylor Get Together. Another Homeschool Alumni event. I hadn't been before, but I plan on going in coming years. We had a lot of fun. Duh. I am thoroughly convinced no other set of people knows how to have fun like homeschoolers. Played volleyball, had a bonfire, impromptu ECD, and the usual chatter of like minds. The hospitality of the Naylor family was friendly and warm. It was great meeting new people and seeing a couple of friends again.

I recently broke down and signed up with Facebook. Now I'm re-building my HSA friends list on that website. It's fun but a little confusing. Facebook isn't the most straight forward site. Maybe it's just me...

Well, I had better wrap this up. I'm off to change the blog colors to something more Fall like.

Homeschool Alumni National Reunion 2009 {day 2}

Wow, have I fallen behind. But now I'm back. So, day two of the reunion dawned clear and cool. Great weather! First thing on my agenda, after a shower, was to call home. It felt so good to talk to Mama. Most of my homesickness went away after that. Now I was ready to face the day. After breakfast was praise and worship time. Some friends organized a hymn singing for those who didn't want to participate in the former. So, I headed over to the chapel for that. Ah, the sweet music of voices blended over the words of great hymns. Then it was off to the "Bear Claw" for our first session which was with Camden Spiller. Camden is one of the founders of HSA. He spoke on what we as homeschoolers can do to see the homeschool vision through to the next generation. Some great insights, thanks Camden! Had a bit of free time for hanging out before lunch.

here is the chapel on campus

After lunch I headed over to the expo hall to set up my table and do some finishing work before the Entrepeneur Expo opened. I missed out on some stuff, namely the Learn ECD session, since I had to stay at my table the whole two hours. But it was worth it. The girl that organized the expo this year, Allison, her sister Melissa came by and loved my stuff. Talk about excitement, Melissa generates it no problem. She bought a knitted cuff (which are coming soon to the etsy shop!) and a couple of my Pride and Prejudice Bracelets. One for her and one for a friend. I recently heard from that friend and she loves her bracelet! She blogged about it here - adored austin: kate spade/ great trade. Thanks Indiana!

After the expo was the afternoon session with Kevin Swanson. He is awesome, a very emotive speaker who literally uses the whole stage. He speaks with energy and passion. If you ever get the chance to see Mr. Swanson speak, go! You won't be dissapointed. His message to us was very encouraging. He urged us to use our lives and unique gifts as homeschoolers to follow Christ and be His light in this world. He also brought along one of the books he's written, "The Second Mayflower", for us at no charge. Free! Yipee!

part of the fun at the dance was watching the flow of traffic in the balcony

We ate supper next and then headed to our dorms to get ready for the dance! I called home again to talk to Daddy. Had to keep my parents up to date on all the stuff they were missing out on! *laughs* The ECD was a lot of fun! Even if there were more girls than guys. Danced a really fun dance that was new to me called "The Boston Tea Party." We danced from 8:00 to 11:30! There were a couple of breaks, but I was tired! Didn't take me long to fall asleep that night!

this is kinda blurry, but it's the "posties jig"!

More pictures and days 3 and 4 still to come...

{homeschool alumni national reunion} :day 1:

Okay, so I know I haven't posted in ages, life has been so busy! I got home a week ago from a delightful and wonderful vacation in Colorado with 200+ other homeschoolers. It was the Homeschool Alumni 2009 National Reunion. This was HSA's fourth reunion but the first time I was able to go. I cannot begin to tell about everything that happened over those four days, but I will give some highlights, funny moments, and my thoughts. The new song on the playlist, "Inside Outside" by Delirious?, became our unofficial song during the reunion.

Wednesday, August 12, I packed up and my parents drove me to the spot where my carpool had arranged to pick me up. We all spent the night at a friends house and hit the road bright and early on our way to Larkspur, Colorado. In the van were six excited girls and all our luggage with Justin following in his car. Driving through western Kansas is not my idea of a good time, but the company of friends well made up for the boring scenery. I switched to Justin's car about halfway to keep him company. He was so bored the day before he had resorted to singing songs in a Muppet voice. *laughs* We discussed a variety of topics so there was no need for Muppet voices. After getting lost, isn't that required on road trips?, we arrived safely at our destination.

getting closer to the mountains!

yours truly in the mirror

finally there! woo hoo!

The much anticipated reunion was under way! We hauled our stiff bodies out of the vehicles and headed for registration. I didn't know but a couple other people other than my carpool so they were very kind to "adopt" me. I had met most of them last year in Kansas City at a HSA mini-reunion. Therefore we stuck to each other like glue the first few hours until more people showed up and we could find some familiar faces. Mind you, homeschoolers are almost instant friends, it's the introducing yourself hurdle you have to jump first.

inside the "bear claw" for the opening ceremony

At 5:00pm was the opening ceremony and we all gathered at the main meeting place, which Riley renamed the "Bear Claw" (rawr!) [inside joke]. After that it was time for supper. The place that hosted us, Ponderosa Baptist Conference Center, has great food! Nothing to complain about there! By this time I was getting homesick. I had never been away from home without a family member before so this was a BIG adventure. I called home but nobody answered! Or the cell phone! So I left a voicemail telling them we had arrived safely and I would talk to them later. After that it was time to gather for the "Meet Your Team" session. There were eight teams and I was on the brown team. So we introduced ourselves and played "Do You Love Your Neighbor?" I sat out since I had never played it before, someone else sat it out too. Which was almost as fun as actually being in the game.

Then at 8:30pm we had a bonfire in the fire pit inside the "Bear Claw" (rawr!). Had live jazz music to add to the atmosphere, which was awesome! I stayed until about 10:30 talking to people and soaking up my surroundings. But a warm bed was calling my name so I headed out hoping the next day would be great too.

Coming soon! - Days 2, 3, and 4! Plus more pictures!